I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. Most related to men I chose to marry. Husband #1 I married just to get out of my parents house, Husband #2 I married because I felt responsible for him...he had broken his neck 6 weeks after we met in a pool of friend of mine and became a quadraplegic. And the worst all was Husband #3, he was (is) pure EVIL. I met husband #3 about a month or two after telling husband #2 I was going to leave. After 4 years of being together I finally realized I was not responsible for him nor did I ever love him. Enter husband #3. I was attracted to him because he was the complete opposite of #2. Dangerous, passionate, and possessive. All of which seemed good at the time because of spending so much time focused on the needs of #2.
. I'm sure I realized early on that he would be abusive...but hey I could change that right?? I was a young, happy, caring person who would convince him there is no reason to be mean to someone you love. Right??
. It was all verbal in the beginning with an occasional push or pinch.
I married #3 when our son was 4 months old. I didn't want to get married but he pretty much demanded it. Then when Alex was 6 1/2 months old I got pregnant again. Now I should say that during different times during both pregnancies he told me I should get an abortion...for what ever reason he was mad at me. When I was about 7 months pregnant my husband was "fighting" with my oldest son (who belongs to husband #2)over something ridiculous and I stepped in and asked why he was acting like he was five?? This was the first time he ever hit me. He smacked me in the face and knocked me and our baby I was holding at the time on to my oldest sons bed. He then proceeded to call us various names while I tried to calm my two sons sobs. While he got in the shower to prepare to leave for work, I scooped up my boys and took off to my mother's. You could plainly see the hand print on my cheek when I arrived and my mom and step-dad seemed genuinely concerned and said they'd help. Until the next day... when I guess having two little ones underfoot became a reality. She "thought" it would be best if I tried to work things out considering I had another baby on the way. And not wanting to get turned away from other family members I went back. Lauren was born 2 months later and things were busy as we were buying our first home, so I don't remember any bad days until the end of November, about 2 1/2 months after moving in our new home.
It all happened so fast that I really don't remember what started his insanity. But he picked Eric up and put him on the front porch and shut and locked the door telling him he couldn't live in his house! To which my touch little 5 year old starts banging on the front door and then he got more mad at him for "kicking" the front door and jerked him violently back inside and smacked him telling him he was bad and stupid and going on and on...well I lost it! I told Eric to get a bag packed and my "ex" all sarcastically says where do you think you're going with him? I said I'm taking him to his father's. I didn't know what else to do. Right now I think I should have taken all 3 kids and sought refuge somewhere, but I didn't have the confidence to do this yet, and if I could save one of us then I was going to.
I stayed for another 3 years. I went back to work when the baby was two and slowly got courage and confidence back. But as he realized his hold on me was slipping he snapped one more time (there were other minor times). I wrote about the "big one" in an earlier post.
Ok...now I got off course to what this whole post was to be about. You see I may have gotten away from the evil one physically but mentally he still has control over a lot of the choices I've made. He has never paid child support. When we were first divorced I let this slide because we jointly took care of all their needs. I would drop them off at his house on my way to work in the morning and he would stay with them until 3p.m. when a babysitter would come until I picked them up around 4. He helped buy their clothes, helped pay the babysitter, etc. At this time I let him claim one of the kids on his income taxes since he was being helpful and wasn't being threatening any longer. This lasted about 2 years or so. Then slowly he wouldn't have money to help pay for babysitters or clothes. Anytime I would say if he couldn't help me out I would have to go to Friend of the Court...to which he would get in my face and make threats.
In 2004 I wrote him a letter and spelled it out. He either paid me on his own or I'd go to Friend of the Court and I would start using Lauren as a dependent myself....since my husband and I are the ones that provides everything she needs!! He paid me for about 5 weeks. So last January I called to ask him if he had filed his taxes yet because we were going to use both kids...well he conveniently was never around to take my calls and never returned any voicemail. So this year I sent a letter, to which I get a cocky voicemail from him stating he has ALREADY filed and ALREADY used her.
Now...I know I should just go to Friend of the Court and get things set up. But I am SO afraid of how he'll react. Not only to me but to my kids.
I laid in bed last night praying for answers. But my thoughts always would creep back to my hatred of this man and how I want nothing more than for him to be dead and gone. I feel this is the only way I will ever find any peace in life. Then I feel guilty for wanting such bad things. But I feel guilty about not demanding his help especially since my husband is our only source of income right now and never complains about not having extra money to spend on what he might like because he spends it on MY kids!! But then I feel afraid of what life will be like if I unleash the evilness I know lies within that man...especially if you ask him for something!
Ok...what am I asking from anyone who made it through all that??? Advice?? Prayers? Direction?? Hit Man..Please help...I need to be able to fall asleep again!
sorry this is soooo long!
. As I let Rufie out I notice a low flying helicopter not far from our house shining a spotlight around the neighborhood. Big brave Rufus takes about 3 steps off our side porch and begins barking viciously towards our backyard. I feel a little uneasy thinking...could there be an escaped prisoner in our "hood"??? and he's in my yard? 
..Rufus runs back like he does if my husband yells at him and I let Dixie out....she goes out...does her business and comes back unphased and any "ghosts" in our yard.
